I assume I am not the only one who on occasion feels like they suck at pretty much everything they try to do. Whether it’s parenting, my job or farming, some days seem like no matter how hard I try, I tend to suck at life.
Kids do not come with a manual, and there is no one right way to raise a child, but some days the little victories are what matters. A few weeks ago, I ended up doing heifer chores at our other farm after we finished milking cows because Phill was in the field. By the time I got done milking it was almost 8:30 pm and by the time I got home from taking care of our heifers it was 9:21 pm. Remember I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old who are usually in bed by 9:00 pm (I know, later bed times than ‘normal’ kids, but we do the best we can). I was having a ‘I suck at life’ mom moment when I fed my kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the car on the way to do heifer chores for supper. They did get baths when we got home (they were filthy) but by the time they were in bed it was almost 10:00 pm. Another ‘I suck at life’ mom moment. I can’t help but wonder if I’m scaring my children for life by feeding them PB&J for supper in the car at 9:00 pm instead of serving healthy, balanced meals at 6:00. As it turns out, I’m human, and I’m just doing the best that I can. My kids had food in their bellies, they got baths, and since they both are very good nappers (most likely because of the not before 8:00 bed time), they both most likely slept a little longer at the babysitter’s the next afternoon instead of sleeping later in the morning.
Another ‘I suck at life’ mom moment came right around Mother’s Day. Lucas filled out a ‘all about my mom’ sheet at school and brought it home, and it nearly brought me to tears, and not tears of joy.
In case you can’t read it, not only does he think the only thing I’m good at making is peas and I’m 42 years old (really 30), most of the answers have something to do with me working. Part of me wanted to cry knowing that thru my 4 year old’s eyes I basically don’t do anything but work, but the other part of me is hoping I’m instilling a good work ethic in him in the process. I’m not sure which way to take it, but since I’m a really ugly crier, I’m going to bank on the latter and convince myself that I don’t totally ‘suck at life’.
At work I deal with a lot of numbers. Though the majority of my job is ‘consulting’ the real back bone to all of it is nutrition, which means I balance each diet for well over 40 different nutrients. If you know my personality at all, you know that focusing on every single detail is not my forte. I’m more of a ‘big picture’ type person, but when I’m balancing diets I try hard to make sure I don’t overlook something. That being said, when it comes to details, I still ‘suck at life’. This morning alone I had to do the same diets over 3 times because I over looked something the first two times I did them. In the end, they were correct and I know the Diets were balanced the way I wanted them, but from changing forages to editing cow numbers per batch, sometimes, I ‘suck at life’ and end up making more work for myself.
The same goes for me in the barn when taking care of our animals, where attention to details is the difference between life and death and paying bills and not paying bills. A few weeks ago I had a sick heifer (girl) calf that I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. She wasn’t ever the most aggressive calf, and though she always drank her milk, she wasn’t gaining weight like she should have been. I had been keeping an eye on her, and I finally decided to treat her for pneumonia. After treating her for that, she got scours (diarrhea) and started to dehydrate. I continued to give her medicine, asked a few different people their professional opinion, and made sure she was comfortable. After 5 days of treatment, my little black heifer calf died. I really felt like ‘I sucked at life’. Sometimes in farming, no matter what you do, you don’t end up with the outcome you want. I don’t think there was anything else I could have done to keep the calf healthy, but having a calf die under you care really sucks. It turns into a learning experience for our kids, as I have to explain that the calf had to go to heaven because I couldn’t make her better, but those days are some of the hardest on the farm. I love taking care of animals, but I hate feeling helpless when one is sick that I can’t fix. I know I did everything I knew how to do, but it still feels like ‘I suck at life’ when something like that happens.
The good part about ‘sucking at life’ is that there is always something to learn from whatever I felt like I sucked at. I’ve learned that it’s ok to have my kids go to bed late once in a while, as long as they know they’re loved and have all of their needs met. I know that I am human and will make mistakes, but I will be a better person and nutritionist as long as I learn from my mistakes and continue to pay more attention to details everyday. I also know that with life comes death, and that’s okay, even if it does mean emotional and financial loss. The next time you think you ‘suck at life’ take a step back and think about what you have learned by not being perfect, and remember, somewhere, someone else is doing the same thing thinking that they ‘suck at life’ too.
Meal Making Mommy 